Synopsis:

Abo has a problem with Hoovers , an electrical appliance which sucks up dirt and dust and occasionally the very essence of life itself. The problem is simple; they are always on, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. This is because his unemployed father is obsessed with filling the day with chores now that he no longer has an employer to do this for him. To avoid his father and the rest of the world Abo stays locked up in his bedroom, venturing out only once a week to meet his best friend Mallard Smith for a drink. It is here that the plans for a possible escape are discussed.

His father and his collection of Hoovers are not Abo’s only problem, there are his neighbours as well. They are all into ‘Amway’ - a glorified pyramid selling scheme which allows social outcasts the opportunity to converse with random strangers. As with any concept which promises immediate gratification, his neighbours have become zealots to the cause. Consequently the only time he can’t hear his father hoovering is when their team building meetings next door become so loud that it blocks out the drone of the hoovers. For Abo, one solution inevitably brings with it a new problem. He does have one system that seems to work though, violence. It is more productive than conversation as it tends to ensure the one thing he requires most from life; peace, quiet and solitude.

Whereas Abo has too much time to sit around and contemplate his life, Mallard Smiths’ problem is that he has no time to sit around and contemplate his. Born ten minutes late he has still not completely caught up with the rest of the world. Mallard Smith has many problems. Firstly he has twins who are obsessed with breaking everything in his house which results in him having to work a lot of over time in a job he detests. Then there is the fact he always loses when he gambles with Abo, resulting in him having to do more over time in a job he detests. Then there is the problem with buses – which is almost as big a problem as his father’s obsession with trains, hence his Christian name. These all pale into insignificance when faced with his metaproblem, William. G. Stewart.

On the surface William G. Stewart appears to be the host of Fifteen to One, a quiz show created in 1988 by a fascist to remind the general public of how stupid they are. Mallard knows differently, really William G. Stewart is God – the one supreme being responsible for his numerous personal afflictions. Consequently, he has convinced himself that if he could just get four correct answers on one show his life would suddenly change for the better and all of the other problems in his life would suddenly fall into place. He would no longer be mistaken for a lamppost, he would stop losing things, and, perhaps finally, be able to figure out the code hermetically concealed within the John Grisham novels the ‘general’ public are so obsessed with reading. The only problem is, is it is impossible to get home to watch Fifteen to One when you have to do overtime every night and the children keep breaking the video recorder.

Ultimately Wuss is a man who constantly fears a conspiracy. It is the world and ‘higher’ beings which thwart his search for self enlightenment rather than his lack of self control and organisation. These fears manifest themselves into grand theories such as getting four correct answers right at Fifteen to One and The Opposite Theory - of which there is little point me offering a definition as then it would only transform into the complete opposite of what I had just written. These theories may one day help him achieve his dream of becoming a normal, ordinary, accepted member of society, the kind of banal existence which typically his best friend Abo detests.

Other character in the book include; the couple who no longer loved each other but still went out together; the deaf and dumb Scouser; John and Sue – whose mysterious graffiti can be found everywhere; the teenagers who couldn’t stop kissing each other; and Chelsea, the rather unfortunate partner of Mallard who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The story is set in the mid 1990s and revolves around the friendship of Mallard and Abo, two completely different characters who share one goal – the need to temporary escape their individual lives. This is resolved, at least temporarily, through the booking of a week’s holiday abroad. Whether a change of environment or indeed any action can ever induce self realisation is an underlying theme of the book, as is the complex and often quite insane lengths people go to obtain this.

Genre: Black comedy

Style: Douglas Adams

Word Count: 83,915 (includes chapter headings etc)

Excerpt: Read Online - (HTML)

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